Motherhood: A Woman's Choice

I was inspired by a conversation this morning on Twitter by some women who are in their 40's and have yet to marry and have children but long to be mothers.  They affectionately refer to each other as #PANK (Professional Aunts No Kids).  I could just tell by their tweets that these women definitely have the hearts of mothers and feel like maybe their time is up.

I can't pretend to understand because I've been a mother all of my adult life. I had my first child at the tender age of 21 and my second at 36. So I've been somebody's mama for almost 22 years now. But what I did sense from these women was a longing that is real to any woman especially a mother.  I empathize with their longing.

But there are options now.  I think as women, we need to update the conversation and change the paradigm.  We've updated our thinking in so many areas of life but we're still stuck in an outdated paradigm of motherhood. In other words, "I have to be married and I have to conceive the child biologically with my husband."  And while that may be the ideal, it's certainly not the only option.  Adoption and surrogates can also be options now and women should be open to exploring them.  I have many close friends and colleagues who either were adopted or adopted children themselves. And they would tell you that they feel extreme love from their adoptive parents or for their adopted children.

It's not impossible.  But often we want to dictate how God chooses to bless us. If it doesn't come in a certain package, then we might miss it.  Think about all of the women who are raising children without husbands right now. Fathers who were killed in wars or died from diseases or just walked away. Grandmothers, aunts and girlfriends who have stepped in and are raising someone else's children because maybe the biological mother can't.  These women are no less mothers because the fathers aren't in the picture.  So then "motherhood" is NOT defined by the presence or absence of the father.  Motherhood is a relationship between a nurturing woman and a child period.  A woman who has chosen that she wants to spend her life and resources helping this child find or make his or her place in the world. Chosen to love that child unconditionally.

So why aren't more women exploring single motherhood via adoption or surrogates? We are more educated and financially equipped now than ever before so why don't we feel we can do it?  I think that part of the reason some women don't explore the options of single adoption or surrogates is because over the years we've secretly and harshly judged single mothers and so the idea of "choosing" to be one forces us to look at that judgment for what it is.  We've secretly wondered "what did she do to run that man off?" We've judged her as irresponsible with her sexuality never thinking that "her" is "us".  And I can tell you that as a single mother, I've judged myself that way.  I've wondered the same things about myself earlier in my life.  I've beat myself up about how my choices may negatively impact the lives of my children.  But rather than being a victim of my circumstances and choices, I do the best that I can and just love them and myself.  And let's be honest, it's hard. Raising kids will tap into every issue, insecurity, fear and pain you can experience.  But nothing in my life has brought me greater joy either so I wish it for every woman who desires to experience it.

So to all of those moms-to-be, I don't believe that God would plant a desire for motherhood in you so deeply only to deny you the blessing. It may take a while (Sara and Abraham in the Bible) or it may come by different means but it IS possible.  God is faithful.

Blessings to all the mothers and mothers to-be.

We are all capable of greatness.

I was talking to a friend and colleague yesterday about life in general and how both life and circumstance seem to be conspiring to keep us all locked in our "boxes". We talked about our hesitation and in some cases downright unwillingness to question the ideas and beliefs that we've held on to for much if not most of our lives. But how do you REALLY "know" a thing if you've never, on some level, asked the question??? A favorite quote of mine (and I can't recall where I first heard it--either inside our out of my head) is that "untested faith (in anyone or anything) is unreliable". In other words, I can say I have faith in my desk chairs' ability to hold me but until I plop my butt down in it, I'm not acting on my faith. I'm not "testing" the chairs' ability to deliver the goods. I'm looking at it and it's looking back at me as it were...but neither never really KNOWS, right?

The "box" represents everything we know, believe, have experienced, have been told or taught. Those beliefs, experiences, stories and lessons have shaped who we are. They provide the "backstory" to our lives. Interestingly, the box both informs and reinforces every decision we make or don't make and every action we take or don't take and even our secret thoughts. So in essence, if you never think or venture outside of the box it will do what it's designed to do which is keep you "in" and keep everything else "out". That's what boxes are for. Some people's arrogance would have them believe that they aren't boxed in but if you look closer, they really just have a bigger box. At first glance they may seem to be more free...more money, more prestige, more self-actualized, more educated...but those things can also be boxes.

I don't typically do well in boxes long-term even when it's of my own making. I'm an emotional, spiritual claustrophobic! I don't like being in tight, closed spaces. I don't like having limits placed on me nor should I place them on myself and others. I have no idea what another person is capable of and so shouldn't project my own insecurities and limitations on them. We're all capable if greatness.

So whatever your box is, it's worth it to venture outside. Do something different. Face your fears head-on. No one ever became a better version by taking the safe route. As we all reflect on the greatest of now deceased Apple CEO Steve Jobs, he is being celebrated for deciding that he was not going to waste his life living someone else's. We should all be so brave.